


Mid-morning Snack

by HotCocoaaa



Series: Snacktime. [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Diego is traumatized, Gen, HE, No Apocalypse, No one wins here folks, The prompt is from a tumblr post, This boy lived through the apocalypse alright, bby no, eats the fuckin spider, he ate cockroaches on the daily and y'all complaining about a spider????, umbrella kids don't fuck with spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 07:31:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HotCocoaaa/pseuds/HotCocoaaa
Summary: There was a wolf spider, just, chilling on the table that morning when Diego came down for breakfast. A...a really big wolf spider. Just...a real hunk of a thing.(“You...you just….you justateaspider.”He murmured.)It didn't end well.





	Mid-morning Snack

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this post: https://officialfivehargreeves.tumblr.com/post/183361081395/i-started-watching-tua-and-im-hooked-but-i-saw
> 
> So Evie and I co-conspiried and I thought these highlights would be much appreciated. 
> 
> B: "MM, JUCIY LEGS"  
> S: ‘FIVE WHAT THE F U C K’  
> S: ‘in this world it’s kill or be killed’
> 
> S: klaus sees the spiderghost after  
> B: NOOO  
> B: it follows Five around all day waving it's front legs 
> 
> S: can we hc that Diego never looks at Five the same way again  
> S: like  
> S: ‘you ate a spider’  
> S: ‘it was three weeks ago diego get over it’  
> S: ‘you ATE a SPIDER’

There was a wolf spider, just, chilling on the table that morning when Diego came down for breakfast. A...a really big wolf spider. Just...a real hunk of a thing.

He’d taken one look, froze, and started to back up slowly, never breaking eye contact with the menace, even as it started waving its front legs at him. He’d just been about to reach freedom in the form of a doorway when he’d cashed into someone.

“Diego watch it-!” Alison had exclaimed, startled, Vanya trailing behind her, a quirk up to her mouth.

“ _Me_ watch it? _You_ watch it! There is death in that kitchen, Alison!”

She put on her best disbelieving face, placing her hands on her hips. Diego ran a hand through his hair, eyes wild.

“You don’t believe me? Fine, go look for yourself,” he said, sounding just a little mad as he made a sweeping gesture with his arms. Alison raised a brow, stepped into the kitchen, and promptly stepped right back out

“Oh _fuck_ no,” she hissed.

“Why, what is it?” Vanya inquired, peering around the doorway Alison had quickly vacated. “Oh. It’s just a spider?” She shrugged, and Diego sputtered.

“Just a spider!? _Just a spider!?_ Look at the size of that thing it’s _massive-_!” He yelled, only to be interrupted by a half naked Klaus waltzing in from the back door, nothing but boxer shorts and a- was that a leather robe?

“Klaus, get away from the table!” Alison hissed, gesturing frantically to ‘get over here.’  Klaus only grinned, doing a flashy twirl as he walked inside. He came to a stop at the table- _Diego tensed-_ looked down at the spider, and screamed. Alison smacked a palm to her face.

The spider waved its legs menacingly.

“Who’s screaming?” Luther yelled from the other room as Klaus dead sprinted across the kitchen, slamming into the glass cabinets, still shrieking. Heavy footsteps rattled the old floor boards as Klaus threw open the cabinet doors, madly shuffling around the items inside to grab a glass, Diego and Alison seeking refuge from behind the doorway.

Vanya had started across the room to the paper towels by the sink, halfway there when Luther burst into the room, for once in his life missing that bulky coat.

“Nice bunny slippers, moonboy,” Diego called. Alison smacked the back of his head, and Klaus barked a laugh, his head popping up from behind the cabinet door.

“Oh good Vanya you’re over there, here catch!” He called, before throwing a glass cup at her. Vanya, who had just ripped off a few paper towels, fumbled, almost missing the cup. She sent a half hearted glare at her brother, which Klaus only returned in a stupid, dopey grin.

“What’s- oh jesus,” Luther muttered quietly. He’d never been fond of spider, either.

“What the fuck are we gonna do about the eight legged monstrosity sitting on our table?” Alison asked, half a moan of despair, eyes not once leaving said eight legged monstrosity.

“Uhh, not panic?” Klaus offered, hands up in an _‘whoops,’_ gesture.

“Not panic?!” Diego shouted, bristling, sleep shorts ruffled, and Vanya laughed a little.

“It’s no so bad, he’s probably just confused,” she murmured, Diego indignantly yelling back, “oh so it’s a _he_ now?” still hiding behind Alison.

Luther made a worried noise the closer Vanya got to the spider, and Alison clenched her hands. Every sibling, save for Vanya herself, held their collective breaths as she got closer, and closer, paper towel and glass in hand.

“Hey there, little guy…” Vanya toned, close enough to the table to start to slip the paper towel under the spider.

Diego saw the exact moment its legs tensed.

“Oh fuck _it’s gonna jump!”_ He screamed, and then the spider did.

Pandemonium. Pandemonium, was what happened.

Alison shrieked, shoving both her and Diego’s heads down as they made a frenzied war sprint out the side door of the kitchen to the living room. Vanya froze in terror at the _big fuckin’ spider_ three feet in the air. Klaus climbed up on top of the cabinets, every ounce of power he had directed to the sound coming straight from his diaphragm. Ben sighed. Luther lunged backward in a hasty attempt to get out of the way of the trajectory of the flying spider, eyes wide and large arms waving as the thing came way too close for comfort.

“No! Get- guh- SHIT,” He stuttered, ending on a shout as the spider was a foot from his face.

“LUTHER!” Klaus screamed, and one of Luther’s hands came up just in time to smack the spider away like a rugby ball.

It landed on the tabletop, skidding for a second, before falling still.

Everyone, froze.

“.....Is is dead?” Diego asked after several terse moments, voice a hushed whisper, as if anything louder would shatter the air. Vanya inched closer to the table, nudging the still spider with the end of her folded paper towel. Klaus shook on top of the cabinets, rattling the entire thing and the dished inside. They clinked loudly.

Then the satanic thing _got back up._

“Oh fuck no oh fuck no _oh fuck no_ -” Alison repeated, a mantra if any as she hurriedly rushed to get out of the immediate kitchen, wispy sleep robe trailing behind her.

 _“¡Araña del diablo!”_ Diego screeched, ducking behind Luther as he followed in Alison’s footsteps.

“Good god all of you calm down-” Vanya started, and stopped upon seeing their smallest brother walk sleepily into the kitchen by the back stairs.

“Oh fuck,” Klaus muttered.

Five only yawned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with one hand. He was obviously not awake.

“Shit- someone get him out of here!” Diego called, twitching as he looked longingly for the door at Luther’s back to Five, hopping slightly as he debated internally. “Fuck it, he muttered, turning back to the warzone, making his way back towards Five.

Five had always, out of the seven of them, been the most terrified of spiders. He’d never liked bugs, though they could be tolerated. But spiders? Spiders were an off the table no. He used to be so scared of spiders he would teleport out of the house whenever he’d find one.

As Diego shoved past Luther, trying to get to Five as quick as he could, his heart froze. He watched his (technically) youngest brother take a few more tiny steps forward, only to open his eyes halfway and look down at the tabletop. They all waited with baited breath.

Instead of the subsequent terror and the smell of ozone following a jump, Five just glanced down at the hairy offender, mumbled, “oh hey a big one,” and scooped the thing up.

And proceeded to _pop it into his mouth._

They all stared, horrified, watching as the spiders legs bent backwards, too large to fit inside Five’s little mouth completely. Klaus choked a little.

Nobody moved; all too petrified to do anything but stare as Five went about his morning like _nothing_ had happened, half a spider hanging out of his mouth.

And then they all heard the crunch.

Alison turned around and bent down, gagging noises floating up from where she was rocking on the balls of her feet, trying not to puke. Vanya just stood there, frozen and lifeless, watching as Five started to make his coffee, chewing on a wolf spider. Like her brain had forgotten how to process. It probably had.  

Five bit down again. The spiders legs wobbled.

Crunch.

One by one, inside his mouth they went.

Crunch.

No more legs, just two cheek-fulls of _spider guts._

Crunch.

 _Sickening_.

“Excuse me but _what the fuck_ ,” Diego muttered, winded, and feeling just as green as Alison.

Luther, from behind him, got up and left the kitchen without a word. Diego wished he could follow.

Five turned around, eyes still at half mast. He mumbled a _‘hm?_ ’ mouth a little...full to speak.

Slowly, Diego put his hands on top of his head, running through his close cropped hair, wheezing slightly. On top of the cabinets, Klaus tipped forwards.

“You...you just….you just _ate_ a _spider_.” He murmured.

Five blinked.

“You...Five you just _ate a spider!_ ”

And Five had the audacity to swallow.

Klaus fell off the cabinets, and face planted into the floor. He whimpered, whining “ _that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen war shit,”_ from the floor.

“I don’t want to know what that tastes like,” Vanya muttered, vaguely green, and sounding like a nam soldier in the middle of a flashback. Diego should know, considering they had one currently in a heap on the kitchen floor.

Klaus whimpered again.

Diego continued to just, stare.

Five stared back.

For a good moment, no one moved.

And then Alison fell forward into a run, probably sprinting for a bathroom to go lose her non-existent breakfast in.

Five watched her go, a passive look oh his face as he sipped at his fresh made mug of coffee.

Diego felt nothing but disgust.

“That….that’s enough family time for one day, I think,” Vanya muttered, one fist to her mouth choking back her own bile as she sped out.

From behind her and staring at the table, Klaus gave a high, breathless giggled _“spider ghost,_ ” not far off from hysterical. Then he moaned, head falling once again to the tile below.  

Five lowered his mug of coffee, eyes darting around the room.

“Was it something I did?”

Diego almost fainted.

**Author's Note:**

> So. Uh. Crunch.


End file.
